


Reason to Be

by rachaellikestoread



Category: Suikoden III
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 04:16:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1212349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachaellikestoread/pseuds/rachaellikestoread
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dios worries about how to comfort Sasarai after the truth about his birth is revealed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reason to Be

Dios knew something was wrong the moment Sasarai walked through the door. His face was dreadfully pale, and his eyes seemed to look at nothing. His movements were automatic and slow, and Nash was watching him intensely, as though afraid he'd topple over at any minute.

When he came close enough, in fact, Sasarai's legs gave way, and Dios had to catch him. His body felt heavy and limp.

"What happened?" was all Dios could muster.

"That traitor took his True Earth Rune," Nash said. "It's not my place to say anything more. I need to go report this incident." And he was off, probably glad to be rid of his burden.

"Bishop. Hey. Come on, don't do this to me." Dios tried to keep his voice lighthearted, but it was clear that what had happened to the bishop was not a laughing matter. "All right, I understand. Let's get you seated, all right? Just relax, now." He walked Sasarai to a comfortable couch and sat him down. "I'll go make some tea. You want some tea? Yes, I think you should have some tea." He was babbling at this point, he knew, but he had to do _something_ to fill this frightful silence.

Dios' hands shook as he put the kettle on to boil. He had never seen the bishop like this before. Bishop Sasarai was normally so...unshakeable. No, the loss of his True Rune--regrettable as it was--would not have affected him this way.

Nash knew what had happened, but had not told Dios, meaning that it was either too long a story, too difficult to explain, or something personal. And judging from what he had said, it was almost certainly the latter case.

"Here you are, Bishop." Dios continued his cheerful, just-a-normal-day act as he handed the teacup to Sasarai. "It's oolong tea, your favorite."

He was relieved when Sasarai took a drink. _Good_ , he thought. _At least he can do that much_. He sat down across from him and waited.

Finally, Sasarai lifted his gaze to meet that of Dios. "Do you remember what I told you about my brother?"

Dios thought back to the few conversations they'd had about Luc. "A heretic who fought in both the Gate Rune War and the Dunan Unification War. He was taken from Harmonia a long time ago, right? What about him?"

With trembling fingers, Sasarai lifted the cup to his lips and took another drink. When he lowered the cup again, the light was gone from his eyes once more. "That masked bishop...It was him. I had no idea until today. He appeared at the Circle Palace. And..."

He hastily set the cup on the end table and covered his mouth with his hand. For a moment, Dios was afraid he was going to be sick.

"What...What did he do to you?" Dios asked.

"He...He told me. About what I am." His hand fell lifelessly into his lap. 

"What? What does that mean?" Dios' gut told him that he might not want to hear the answer, but also that he needed to.

"What he told me is..."

***

It was bizarre, too sordid to be true. "Bishop, surely you don't believe him?" Dios demanded. "He must have made it all up. To upset you. He wanted your True Earth Rune, and so he made up some story that would stun you so he could use that moment to attack!" 

But Sasarai shook his head. "If only I could believe that. But I saw what was in that crystal. And I felt it, too. I don't know if you could understand." He shuddered. "It would explain a lot. Why Luc always hated me. Why I never saw my father's face. Why I never even knew my mother. Why I had that rune to begin with." He stared at the back of his hand. "It's funny, isn't it? I never thought to question why I had that rune for as far back as I remember. I never questioned anything. Why would I? Life was always so easy for me."

Dios chose his next words very carefully. "That's...not true, is it?"

Sasarai looked back at him. "What isn't true?"

"That life was always easy for you. I've only been with you for three years, but you can't fool me. I know how hard you work at your duties. And yet...And yet you never take it out on anyone. People like you, even our so-called 'enemies.' I've always admired that about you, especially since I can't even get people on our side to like me." He sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I'm sorry. I'm not good at this comforting thing."

"No...I'm glad to have you here, Dios." Sasarai leaned on the arm of the couch and covered his eyes with his hand. "I'm a fool. I thought I was acting of my own free will. I thought I was forwarding my own agenda. I used people like they were my personal tools. And then it turns out...I was the biggest tool of all." He made a sound that was probably meant to be laugh, but sounded more like a sob.

"Bishop..." What could he say? This was stranger than any conspiracy he had ever heard regarding Harmonia's power structure, but if Sasarai believed it, he knew it had to be true. And if it was true, what did it mean about...everything? _God, I'm so useless at times like this. I have to do something, say something_. "That scoundrel! If I see him again, I swear I'll kill him, I--"

"Please, stop." The pain in Sasarai's voice shocked Dios into silence. "Please don't say things like that. His death would bring me no comfort. In spite of everything he has done, he's still...I'm still..." His voice trailed off, as though he weren't entirely sure just what Luc was to him.

Dios wasn't so sure himself. He had never even heard of a man duplicating himself, or of children being born without a mother and a father. "I'm sorry, Bishop. I didn't mean it. It's not like someone like me could kill someone like him. I was just so angry at myself for being so useless. I want to do something for you. If only I had been there with you. Maybe...Maybe I could have..."

"Nash couldn't stop him," Sasarai interrupted. "I couldn't stop him. The only person who can stand against a True Rune bearer is another True Rune bearer. No, if anyone is responsible for what happened, it's me. I let my guard down. I didn't have the will to resist him. If you had tried to interfere, Dios, you would have been injured or killed. And the Rune still would have been taken." He looked as though he wanted to say something more, but he fell silent.

For several minutes, neither man spoke. Dios was out of things to say. Finally, he noticed his cup was still full, and the tea had cooled a long time ago. He stood up. "I'm going to heat up some more tea."

"I'll help you." Sasarai stood up, but immediately began to sway back and forth on his feet.

"Bishop Sasarai!" Dios reached out to grab him, dropping his cup in the process. He managed to catch the bishop just as he began to fall.

"Sorry," mumbled Sasarai as he attempted to right himself. "I guess my equilibrium is..." He winced.

Dios helped him sit back down on the couch. "You need to rest. You've been through a lot. Please leave it to me. If there's anything I can do--"

Sasarai tugged on Dios' sleeve. "Sit. Just stay with me for a while. That's what I need from you right now."

"...Yes, sir." He tried to hide the disappointment from his voice. _Am I really so useless that this is the only thing I can do_? He sat next to Sasarai, watching him carefully.

Silence came to the room again, but this time, Dios simply waited. The bishop looked like he had much to say, but that he would say it when the time was right.

When he spoke, it was little more than a whisper. "Dios."

"Yes, sir."

"I..I never saw Fa--Hikusaak's face." 

"I know."

"But I still believed in him. I...loved him. I wanted to make him proud to call me his son. I never thought he saw me as anything less than a son." His voice broke slightly on the word _son_. "And now I find I wasn't a son to him, or even a servant. I was an object, a mindless vessel. There was never any other reason for me to exist."

Dios' hands tightened into fists. This was all over his head. Now instead of Luc, it was Hikusaak--a man he had never seen, let alone spoken to--he wanted to hurt. This time, however, he said nothing.

"Dios...I..." His shoulders trembled, his own hands made fists, and Dios knew what he wanted.

"Bishop," he said softly. "If there's...something you want to do...that you normally wouldn't do in front of other people, you can do it here...I won't tell anyone."

Sasarai rested his head on Dios' shoulder. "Thank you, Dios." He reached for Dios' hand. Dios took it, and a feeling he couldn't describe welled up inside him when he felt Sasarai squeeze his hand.

Sitting so closely to Sasarai, Dios could hear the sound of his breathing and feel every movement of his body. He sensed when he tensed up, possibly at some new, frightening thought, or maybe at a memory. He heard every sound humans make when they shudder, when they sigh, when they forget to breathe and then remember again. He felt the warmth of Sasarai's small body against his own and wondered if the bishop could hear his heartbeat.

After a long while, Sasarai reminded him, "Don't tell anybody." And he leaned into Dios' shoulder and wept.

***

Dios staggered to his feet and cringed. His limbs were stiff and his joints were sore. It never paid to sleep in his clothes, especially now that he was almost 30. And unlike Bishop Sasarai, he didn't have a True Rune to keep him young.

 _No, that's not right_. 

He remembered then--all that had happened yesterday. How Sasarai had his True Earth Rune stolen. How he had learned the truth behind his birth. 

He had wanted Dios to stay with him. He had eventually fell asleep, still resting against Dios' shoulder, holding Dios' hand. 

Dios had carried him to his bed and stayed by his bedside in case Sasarai needed him in the middle of the night. He had kept his eyes on the bishop's sleeping face, the rims around the eyes red with grief but his cheeks and lips as soft-looking as always.

But at some point, Dios had fallen asleep, and now Sasarai's bed was empty. He dashed out the door, determined to find Sasarai or die trying. He almost fell over when he saw him sitting at the kitchen table, calmly drinking tea as though nothing were wrong.

"Bishop Sasarai?"

"Ah, Dios." Sasarai lifted his head and gestured to the spot across from himself. "Good morning. I made some tea. It's green tea, your favorite."

When Dios sat, it became clear that Sasarai was still shaken by yesterday's attack; however, some of the color had returned to his face, and he was smiling a little. It was a small smile, but was genuine.

"It's good to see a bit of the old Bishop back," Dios said, then wondered if opened his mouth too quickly.

Sasarai looked thoughtful. "...No, the old Bishop is no more. I cannot go back to not knowing what I do now. Nevertheless, I must put all that behind me for the time being." He stared at Dios with a determined expression, something that only surfaced when he meant to take decisive action. "I don't know what exactly Luc is planning to do with the True Earth Rune, but I think we both know that it cannot be beneficial to Harmonia. If he's behind this war, then he's gone to a great deal of trouble for whatever purpose he has in mind. I do not believe that anything short of force will stop him." He leaned forward and spoke the next sentence with firm resolution. "Dios, we must try and form a temporary alliance with the Fire Bringer. If our forces cooperate, we may have a chance of standing against him."

Dios' eyes widened. "Join forces with the enemy? I have no objection, but...What if they refuse and capture you, or you make some new enemies in Harmonia?"

"The Fire Bringer is as desperate for allies as we are. I doubt they will throw away this chance. As for Harmonia..." He paused for a moment. "As for Harmonia, I can't say what will happen." His smile turned bitter. "Perhaps I want to prove to myself that I'm more than just a witless duplicate of that man."

Dios shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He stared at his lap as he muttered, "I know it doesn't mean much coming from me, but...I think it's obvious that you're already more than that. I don't know much about science or magic, but if you didn't have a soul of your own, you and Luc would be exactly the same. But you are both different human beings. You, Bishop Sasarai, have affected people in all kinds of different ways. People love you. And I, too..." He cleared his throat. "...I value you a lot. And no matter what you decide, I'll stay with you and do what I can. Even if it's only making tea. But hopefully it's not." His gaze flickered to Sasarai's face before returning to his lap. "N-not that I mind making tea. I'll...I'll make tea five times a day if you need it. But I, I hope I can be a lot more use than just that." He buried his face in his hands. "I hope you know what I mean."

"Dios." Sasarai reached across the table and pulled one of Dios' hands away from his face. "I'm not anywhere near as loved as you say. But thank you. When you called Luc and me human beings, it meant more to me than all the usefulness in the world."

It was something only Bishop Sasarai could have said, and for that, Dios was grateful. Maybe he was right. Maybe there was something more precious in human relationships than what use could be gleaned from another person. Maybe looking past that usefulness was, ironically, the most useful thing of all.

"The way things are," Sasarai continued, "there is little of which I can be certain, but I do know one thing: It is too early for me to give up on life. Luc has made it clear that he feels differently, which is why I will do everything in my power to stop him. I'm not above asking the other side for help, if it will prevent him from casting whatever curse he has planned for the world." His face broke into a smile again. "Get your things together, Dios. We've got some serious mediating to do."

His smile was contagious, and Dios couldn't help but return it. "Right," he agreed.

There was still a long battle ahead for the two of them, he knew. Even if they managed to prevent Luc from carrying out whatever he was planning, doing so would by no means bring peace to the continent. On the contrary, it would really only ensure the survival of two nations who had long ago abandoned any ideas of reconciliation. Any alliance between them would be brief and fragile.

No, the fighting would continue, here and elsewhere, for as long as humans remained in this world. For some reason, Dios felt that comforting. 

_Bishop, perhaps we are all nothing more than tools. The forces of humanity are far greater than you or I or any other person, perhaps even as big and powerful as the True Runes themselves. But if we can continue to grow as individuals, and reach out to one another a little at a time...Maybe we can find something that can make us say we truly had a reason to be born into this world_.

He chuckled at the thought. It was a strange idea, especially coming from someone who dreaded "reaching out" to anybody. If Sasarai heard him, he would almost certainly think it was the lack of sleep talking. Perhaps it was.

So Dios decided to keep it to himself...for now.

THE END


End file.
